chargers win & the eve of all eves...

first things first... raiders suck!!

chargers win :) take a moment to enjoy the view to the right!

{this tradition of taking a picture with the winning score & memorable end of the game moment with mom & dennis is so much fun... love love love!!}

yesterday's game was so exciting & a great way to lead into my favorite favorite FAVORITE day of the year!! {ok maybe a close second to my birthday} if you know me & I mean REALLY know me, you know that i love eves' of eves {obviously, because my birthday is an eve-eve lol}... let me explain...
what's the best part of any exciting day? in my opinion, it's the anticipation that comes before the exciting event or day... so if the anticipation is the best part, how great is the anticipation of the anticipation!!??!! hence my love for Christmas eve eve :) no built up pressure to make the day great... you just get to enjoy the day & the spirit of the holiday for what it's really about... Jesus!
so enjoy today for what it really is... the "eve" of the greatest eve... the celebration of the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ!
Merry Christmas!!!

"Suddenly, an angel of the Lord appeared among them, and the radiance of the Lord’s glory surrounded them. They were terrified, but the angel reassured them. “Don’t be afraid!” he said. “I bring you good news that will bring great joy to all people. The Savior—yes, the Messiah, the Lord—has been born today in Bethlehem, the city of David! And you will recognize him by this sign: You will find a baby wrapped snugly in strips of cloth, lying in a manger.”
'Suddenly, the angel was joined by a vast host of others—the armies of heaven—praising God and saying, “Glory to God in highest heaven, and peace on earth to those with whom God is pleased.”' Luke 2:9-14



countdown to GOLD!!!

the countdown begins today... for no particular reason other than i say so :) 19 days & counting...

omg... i'm almost THIRTY!!!! & it's my golden birthday {the birthday when you turn the same age as your birth date} so that's pretty much awesome...but this is where reality sets in. 

i am beginning to question if i have accomplished what i should have by this season of my life. let's be completely honest & transparent... i struggle with comparing myself & my accomplishments with the lives of others... i know, i know bad jeni! {insert image of me slapping my own hand here} comparison is the thief of joy & one of the devil's tactics he uses to take our focus away from God & the plans He has for us... so what exactly does the Word have to say about this??

first of all Jeremiah 29:11 says ' "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ' {emphasis added is mine} this scripture is so powerful!! it doesn't say "I know the plans I have for your friends, your family, your coworkers, your nail lady, your favorite barista at starbucks & your neighbor's-dog walker's-cousin"... lol... it says I know the plans I have for YOU!!! hello!! God has plans for you specific to the talents He gave you to use for His glory! how awesome is that?

just like every part of the body has a different function, a different use, a different talent, God has given us each a gift. Romans 12: 6-8 says it beautifully..."We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith; if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully." {again, emphasis mine}

John Bevere was at our church recently & had an amazing illustration for this very concept... you don't expect your thumb to talk, God gave that talent to your mouth... so why do we try to work outside of our gifts & talents that God created us for?? ouch! so true it stings a little :)

really the bottom line is... i shouldn't worry about what is going on with everyone else around me, what they have accomplished or what they have that i think i should have... God only holds me accountable to the plans He has for me & what i have done with the talents He gave me... that's what pleases God! having faith that He has a plan & seeking His will for your life... "And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him." Hebrews 11:6

my prayer during my golden birthday countdown is that i remember to focus on what God has brought me through & the path He is laying before us... it is also golden & built on the foundation of His promises!!


"Make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you have been given, and then sink yourself into that. Don’t be impressed with yourself. Don’t compare yourself with others. Each of you must take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life."
Galatians 6:4 & 5 {The Message}


i think it's time... & i'm scared...

i think it's time... time to actually start trying instead of just not preventing... & i'm scared. it's been almost 5 years since our first miscarriage & almost 2 since the second... but still nothing. we have been busy with everything else under the sun but i'm almost 30 & not getting any younger!!

so we're going to bite the financial bullet & enroll into an available insurance policy through hubby's job... & it covers 50% of infertility testing/ treatment {from what I hear that's pretty good... & definitely better than nothing!!} i don't want the next 5 years to pass like the last... doing nothing just so that we don't have to face the reality.

obviously there is something that's just not quite right & it's time to figure out what & actually start trying... so here we go...



it's been that kind of day...

...and then i locked my keys in the car :-)
have a great weekend!!


the dreaded "kids" question...

hey ya'll... i'm feeling very country today lol :)

i was just asked the dreaded "kids" question :( i know i know... if your familiar with my story you just thought "ugh!! that sucks... i want to hug you right now". please hug away because i need it...

a patient at the office i work in just asked me, "so when are you & your husband gonna try to have some kids" {insert "come on already! what's taking you guys so long" attitude}. i felt my face get red {with anxiety, not rage... ok a little rage...} & i proceeded to tell her actually we have been trying for years & have lost 2 babies in the last 3 years, forgetting until now that it's actually been 4 & 1/2 years {wow... that realization stings}. i tried to keep it all smiles as i felt my heart breaking, begging God to keep me strong & thanking Him for the opportunity to show His love & glory. i explained that so many of my girlfriends have been through miscarriages over the last few years & i felt grateful for having been through losses, that i could lift them up & be an encouragement. even in this moment i thank God that we have been through struggles. it will make the blessing just that much sweeter {btw... our future children will be so awesome & loved beyond all comparison!!!}

the Lord promises in Ephesians 3:20 that we will have infinitely more than we might ask or imagine & i hold strong to that promise... when the Lord blesses us with children, it will be better than we could have ever imagined!!{thanks to www.hannahbunker.com for the image}

so thank you, random patient, for asking me the "dreaded question" so that God could remind me of His promise :)



dealing with rejection...

so it's therapy time!! hello btw... i know its been a while :)

when i write, i write for me & this post is all about me getting some junk out!! i'm not even sure where to start or if i will publish this post but it needs to get out {obviously i decided to click publish lol}... it might not make sense & will probably be a bit of a ramble but i don't care because i am writing for me...

here we go...

i am hurt over being rejected... like 6 years ago :/ lol i don't hold grudges i swear!! it probably stems from deep rooted issues over when i lost my dad way to early in life {i was 11 when he passed but the last time i saw him i was 7}... he was sick... he had HIV & loved me enough to not let me see him dying... blah blah blah... no disrespect to my dad & i know logically that is true & he loved me sooo much... but really??!! that just set me up for some major issues in life! my mom & dad divorced when i saw 2 {he had already been diagnosed by that time but was not "sick" yet} & my mom met my future step dad when i was 4... they got married when i was 8 ... my sister was born when i was 10 ... blah blah blah...

ok now this is where things get complicated... i'll spare all the ugly details but i was a good kid until my early 20s... life happens & sometimes we make some not so great decisions {i didn't kill anyone or anything lol}... so my life kinda got topsey turvey but everyone stood by my side... except for my "dad". he & my mom were divorcing & things got kinda ugly. we were all living together in the same house during the entire divorce process & for a month after it had already been finalized... clearly this was not a fun time... he placed blame on me for their relationship issues... he judged me for the issues i was dealing with... he used me to get to my mom & put me in the middle... my issues were suddenly the cause of their divorce that had been brewing for years before my struggle {they had filed & cancelled a divorce 6 years prior during my senior year of high school!!}

once the divorce was over {& we were all still living under the same roof- ugh!!!} they decided that waiting to sell the house was not working {obviously!!}... so he kept the house & mom was moving out... & apparently my hubby & i were no longer welcome either...{cue the sad music... this is where i get rejected by the second dad in my life} he told my mom & husband that i was their responsibility & that i was no longer welcome in his home. the only dad i had ever really known in my life... the dad that raised me... taught me how to swim... bought my wedding dress & walked me down the aisle... no longer wanted anything to do with me...

what??!!?? how could he say that?? i was so hurt & took up a screw you attitude {excuse my language}… i decided it was perfectly fine if i never talked to him ever again. the times i did see him it was only because of my sister & i felt sick to my stomach every time!

fast forward 6 years... i’m totally over it, right?? yea, apparently not so much… so, to this man who was my dad for 20 years i would like to say…

i forgive you… i know that time in our lives was rough for all of us & my struggle didn’t make it any easier to deal with… i am sorry that i never thought about what it must have been like for you to be loosing your family & seeing a girl you raised as your own in pain… i am sorry for all of the negative things i thought & said about you over the last 6 years… i don’t know if we will ever be in contact again or if God has a deeper plan for us but what i do know is i no longer resent you…

i am sorry dad & i forgive you



is it august yet?...

i have no news to share... i'm just patiently waiting for august...

because i REALLY miss football!!!

that's all :)



remembering the joy...

tomorrow will be one year since we found out we were pregnant... i can't believe it's already been a year. that was such an amazing moment. i knew, i just KNEW i was pregnant... but i had "known" so many times before... if you have ever dealt with fertility issues or TTC {trying to conceive}, you know what i'm talking about :/ lol

but his time was different & i really knew i was gonna be a mama :)

but the stick didn't lie!! we were definitely pregnant! it had been exactly 3 years since our first loss in january 2009... a very long, challenging, painful, heart breaking, 3 years! but we learned so much about ourselves, each other, & things we will do differently in raising our children... we would have made the wrong decisions if that time had not been given to us... more on the topic of raising children with a wellness mindset later!!

God truly had a plan bigger than we could have imagined & it was finally His perfect timing for us to be a family of 3!!

Auntie Cassie, me & baby aka 'lil bit - February 2012 
but then it came crashing down... again... at our 10 week appointment there was no heartbeat but the midwife accounted that to my tilted uterus {it has a gangsta' lean lol} it never even crossed my mind that there was a possibility of having another miscarriage, of losing another baby, of having to endure another heartbreak...

by march 16th i was in terrible pain in my belly, i assumed it was gas pains lol...& then the spotting started... but we were almost 12 weeks along... we were almost in the elusive "safety zone"... 12 weeks couldn't come fast enough... we weren't going to lose another baby... i couldn't lose another baby

the next day, st. patrick's day {btw i hate the color green... God has an awesome sense of humor!! more regarding that to come}, i was still very uncomfortable & getting concerned. by mid day the spotting had changed... it was red... bright red... my heart broke into a million pieces! my baby was gone & i immediately felt alone! jason was there with me & was so supportive... but i was so alone... i just wanted my baby...

at 11 weeks 2 days we were in the emergency room & our worst fear was confirmed... the baby had stopped developing around 8 weeks & that was it... my pregnancy was over in the blink of an eye... i had to let go & let God heal my broken heart again. it was january 2009 all over again... i remembered the feeling of emptiness & despair... i remembered the inconsolable crying... i remembered wanting to curl up to my love & never let him go... i remembered it all too well...

but i also remembered what God did!!! i remembered the way He loved me, consoled me, He ministered to my heart through such amazing friends... other women who shared their stories of loss... they encouraged me & i saw Christ in them!! i had been restored before... & i knew God would heal me again!

fast forward to may 2012... we moved that month & God was proving faithful to His promises! I was finding my joy again... the joy i remembered Him giving me in 2009 after our first miscarriage... the joy i remembered from january 26, 2012 when we found out we were expecting... it was the same joy He always provides because our hope & our expectations are in HIM!!!

since may we have been settling into the new apartment & loving it!! for the record, my hatred for the color green has turned into an OBSESSIVE love of all things green {& not on purpose, believe me... i hated green!!}we now have: a green car, a ridiculous amount of green clothes {pants, 4 shirts, scarves blah, blah, blah}, a green accented kitchen, a bedroom who's accent color is- you guessed it- GREEN!! ... i seriously could go on and on... my love for green has taken me by storm...

need i remind you that we sent our baby to heaven to be with Jesus on st. patrick's day :) God sure does have an amazing sense of humor!!

Lord, since i couldn't tell my babies about you, will you please tell them about me!

mama and daddy love you lil bits!! see you both when we get there :)

December 2012 - notice the green shirt :) lol


new year, fresh view...

hey party people!!! happy twenty-thirteen :) i'm telling you this is our year!! i just know already that is is gonna be one for the books! not only will i be the big 3-0 (ahhh!!!) ... which means my mama will be the big 5-0 AHHH!! lol... but i see God working in amazing ways already :) His hand is on us and our family in such an amazing way...

as far as moving towards mommy-hood, it is still a work in progress :p lol... i told jason the other day that i will be preggo before i'm thirty... he said "that's this year, we better get to it" lol... i just love him :) we all know it hasn't been that easy for us but i love his enthusiasm :) having a positive attitude will only make the process easier... stressing out about our fertility will only make things worse and i am not willing to put the extra stress on my marriage... God and our relationship will be the foundation of our future family so they will always come first :)

so... back into the blogging swing of things :) i hope! lol


p.s. raiders suck!! go chargers!! bye bye norv & aj :)