one step at a time...

Mark 10:13-16

 ¹³ People were bringing little children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them, but the disciples rebuked them. ¹⁴ When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. ¹⁵ Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.” ¹⁶ And he took the children in his arms, placed his hands on them and blessed them.

so... i guess it's time to move forward... one step at a time :( but i have to admit i'm not sure if i'm done feeling bad for myself lol that sounds so self centered and totally against what i know but i can't help it! i will help me a lot once we have the final blood results back that confirm the pregnancy being completely over and no more pregnancy hormones are present... oh and once my stupid arm finally heals-the ER nurse blew my vein trying to put in an IV, i have a HUGE bruise on my arm the size of my hand and two blood clots in my arm ugh... i can't straighten or fully bend my arm... sleeping is completely out of the question!! i have no idea what to do with this thing lol!! knowing why it's there is like a constant reminder of the fact that our baby is gone :( in the arms of Jesus i know, but i wish we could have seen their precious face sooner than later... mommy and daddy will see you in heaven lil bit :) i know we can not turn our backs on God because i can not bear the thought of being separated from Jesus and not seeing our babies someday!!

i trust that God has an amazing plan for our lives and already used this baby's life for a very special purpose! our trust in Him is growing daily! the joy that my pregnancy brought was more than i could have ever imagined! the short 11 weeks that baby was with us was such a blessing... i can't find words that have enough meaning... blessed by heaven (even though they said the development stopped at 8 weeks, i still count every day that lil bit was with us)

you never imagine having to go through something like a miscarriage... let alone twice!! the pain seems unbearable, but the Holy Spirit continually reminds me that these wounds will heal and that what the devil meant for evil, God will use this for His GLORY!!! i have been so uplifted by the kind thoughts and messages from all of our family and friends! i felt horrible having to tell the bad news! i know we are not alone in our pain over the loss of our baby... you all have hurt with us and been so amazing and supportive!!

we will grow and learn from this season... we will move forward in courage and faith... we will try again and in His time we will be blessed again with a precious baby... but only by His grace!!

I think that's my heartbeat??!!

So yesterday was our first appointment for baby :) We were sooo excited!! Jason could barely eat his lunch... I almost had to eat it for him :) can't let good pho go to waste!! After an entire novel of paperwork -uhg!!- we got things under way!

Lots of health history questions... blah...blah...blah... my due date was moved from 10/4 to 10/5... blah...blah...
and finally the moment we were waiting for; little bit's heartbeat!! As the midwife is rubbing cold goo on my belly she stops... its a heartbeat OMG!!! ...wait, "I think that sounds like my heartbeat, it sounds like what I feel in my chest right now!" My heart was beating sooo fast with excitement the midwife thought it was the baby!! So she continues to search and then reminds me, "Well because of your tilted uterus the baby is probably too far back for us to hear, so no need to be concerned. We will check you again next week."

WHAT??!!?? Tilted uterus?? So my uterus is so cool it has a gangsta' lean?? lol The midwife said it doesn't have any complications and is not abnormal... I guess little bit is tucked way deep in there all safe and sound :)

So now the waiting begins... again! Hopefully we will hear a little thump thump next Tuesday :)

let's do this!!

so i figure since baby is on the way i need to document this AMAZING experience... what a better way than to blog! so here we go :)

officially 10 full weeks today and can not wait until our appointment next week!! hearing 'lil bit's (short for little baby it lol) heart beat is going to be one of the best moments in our lives for sure!

now back to work :)