dealing with rejection...

so it's therapy time!! hello btw... i know its been a while :)

when i write, i write for me & this post is all about me getting some junk out!! i'm not even sure where to start or if i will publish this post but it needs to get out {obviously i decided to click publish lol}... it might not make sense & will probably be a bit of a ramble but i don't care because i am writing for me...


ok
here we go...

i am hurt over being rejected... like 6 years ago :/ lol i don't hold grudges i swear!! it probably stems from deep rooted issues over when i lost my dad way to early in life {i was 11 when he passed but the last time i saw him i was 7}... he was sick... he had HIV & loved me enough to not let me see him dying... blah blah blah... no disrespect to my dad & i know logically that is true & he loved me sooo much... but really??!! that just set me up for some major issues in life! my mom & dad divorced when i saw 2 {he had already been diagnosed by that time but was not "sick" yet} & my mom met my future step dad when i was 4... they got married when i was 8 ... my sister was born when i was 10 ... blah blah blah...

ok now this is where things get complicated... i'll spare all the ugly details but i was a good kid until my early 20s... life happens & sometimes we make some not so great decisions {i didn't kill anyone or anything lol}... so my life kinda got topsey turvey but everyone stood by my side... except for my "dad". he & my mom were divorcing & things got kinda ugly. we were all living together in the same house during the entire divorce process & for a month after it had already been finalized... clearly this was not a fun time... he placed blame on me for their relationship issues... he judged me for the issues i was dealing with... he used me to get to my mom & put me in the middle... my issues were suddenly the cause of their divorce that had been brewing for years before my struggle {they had filed & cancelled a divorce 6 years prior during my senior year of high school!!}

once the divorce was over {& we were all still living under the same roof- ugh!!!} they decided that waiting to sell the house was not working {obviously!!}... so he kept the house & mom was moving out... & apparently my hubby & i were no longer welcome either...{cue the sad music... this is where i get rejected by the second dad in my life} he told my mom & husband that i was their responsibility & that i was no longer welcome in his home. the only dad i had ever really known in my life... the dad that raised me... taught me how to swim... bought my wedding dress & walked me down the aisle... no longer wanted anything to do with me...

what??!!?? how could he say that?? i was so hurt & took up a screw you attitude {excuse my language}… i decided it was perfectly fine if i never talked to him ever again. the times i did see him it was only because of my sister & i felt sick to my stomach every time!

fast forward 6 years... i’m totally over it, right?? yea, apparently not so much… so, to this man who was my dad for 20 years i would like to say…

i forgive you… i know that time in our lives was rough for all of us & my struggle didn’t make it any easier to deal with… i am sorry that i never thought about what it must have been like for you to be loosing your family & seeing a girl you raised as your own in pain… i am sorry for all of the negative things i thought & said about you over the last 6 years… i don’t know if we will ever be in contact again or if God has a deeper plan for us but what i do know is i no longer resent you…

i am sorry dad & i forgive you

xoxo,
Jeni