too many emotions...

so... i cancelled my infertility consult...

we will reschedule eventually {maybe in a few months} but for now jason & i both realized that as the appointment date was nearing, neither of us are ready for bad news :( there is so much emotion that you bury down after a loss {let alone 2!!} & all of that started unearthing for both of us...

it's just too much right now...

and really God is so much bigger than any medical diagnosis anyway!!!

 

The Valley of Dry Bones

Ezekiel 37:1-14

 

The hand of the Lord was on me, and he brought me out by the Spirit of the Lord and set me in the middle of a valley; it was full of bones. ² He led me back and forth among them, and I saw a great many bones on the floor of the valley, bones that were very dry. ³ He asked me, “Son of man, can these bones live?”

I said, “Sovereign Lord, you alone know.”

⁴ Then he said to me, “Prophesy to these bones and say to them, ‘Dry bones, hear the word of the Lord! ⁵ This is what the Sovereign Lord says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life. ⁶ I will attach tendons to you and make flesh come upon you and cover you with skin; I will put breath in you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the Lord.’”

⁷ So I prophesied as I was commanded. And as I was prophesying, there was a noise, a rattling sound, and the bones came together, bone to bone. ⁸ I looked, and tendons and flesh appeared on them and skin covered them, but there was no breath in them.

⁹ Then he said to me, “Prophesy to the breath; prophesy, son of man, and say to it, ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Come, breath, from the four winds and breathe into these slain, that they may live.’” ¹⁰ So I prophesied as he commanded me, and breath entered them; they came to life and stood up on their feet—a vast army.

¹¹ Then he said to me: “Son of man, these bones are the people of Israel. They say, ‘Our bones are dried up and our hope is gone; we are cut off.’ ¹² Therefore prophesy and say to them: ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says: My people, I am going to open your graves and bring you up from them; I will bring you back to the land of Israel. ¹³ Then you, my people, will know that I am the Lord, when I open your graves and bring you up from them. ¹⁴ I will put my Spirit in you and you will live, and I will settle you in your own land. Then you will know that I the Lord have spoken, and I have done it, declares the Lord.’”

 

**i used italics & bold on areas that stood out to me :)**

 

xoxo,

jeni

ladies, we have a referral...

so my obgyn appointment was lame & honestly i got no answers to any of my questions...

but i did get this...

 

 

we now have a referral to see an infertility specialist for consult & testing {the obgyn said she couldn't order any of the labs because they are not "medically necessary"} so here we go!!

 

let the testing begin!!! appointment is set for the end of march :)

 

xoxo,

 

jeni

quick journey update...

quick update to "His journey to our baby" page :)

check it out!!

xoxo,

jeni

i think it's time... & i'm scared...

i think it's time... time to actually start trying instead of just not preventing... & i'm scared. it's been almost 5 years since our first miscarriage & almost 2 since the second... but still nothing. we have been busy with everything else under the sun but i'm almost 30 & not getting any younger!!

so we're going to bite the financial bullet & enroll into an available insurance policy through hubby's job... & it covers 50% of infertility testing/ treatment {from what I hear that's pretty good... & definitely better than nothing!!} i don't want the next 5 years to pass like the last... doing nothing just so that we don't have to face the reality.

obviously there is something that's just not quite right & it's time to figure out what & actually start trying... so here we go...

xoxo,
jeni

the dreaded "kids" question...

hey ya'll... i'm feeling very country today lol :)

i was just asked the dreaded "kids" question :( i know i know... if your familiar with my story you just thought "ugh!! that sucks... i want to hug you right now". please hug away because i need it...

a patient at the office i work in just asked me, "so when are you & your husband gonna try to have some kids" {insert "come on already! what's taking you guys so long" attitude}. i felt my face get red {with anxiety, not rage... ok a little rage...} & i proceeded to tell her actually we have been trying for years & have lost 2 babies in the last 3 years, forgetting until now that it's actually been 4 & 1/2 years {wow... that realization stings}. i tried to keep it all smiles as i felt my heart breaking, begging God to keep me strong & thanking Him for the opportunity to show His love & glory. i explained that so many of my girlfriends have been through miscarriages over the last few years & i felt grateful for having been through losses, that i could lift them up & be an encouragement. even in this moment i thank God that we have been through struggles. it will make the blessing just that much sweeter {btw... our future children will be so awesome & loved beyond all comparison!!!}

the Lord promises in Ephesians 3:20 that we will have infinitely more than we might ask or imagine & i hold strong to that promise... when the Lord blesses us with children, it will be better than we could have ever imagined!!{thanks to www.hannahbunker.com for the image}

so thank you, random patient, for asking me the "dreaded question" so that God could remind me of His promise :)

xoxo,
Jeni

remembering the joy...

tomorrow will be one year since we found out we were pregnant... i can't believe it's already been a year. that was such an amazing moment. i knew, i just KNEW i was pregnant... but i had "known" so many times before... if you have ever dealt with fertility issues or TTC {trying to conceive}, you know what i'm talking about :/ lol

but his time was different & i really knew i was gonna be a mama :)

but the stick didn't lie!! we were definitely pregnant! it had been exactly 3 years since our first loss in january 2009... a very long, challenging, painful, heart breaking, 3 years! but we learned so much about ourselves, each other, & things we will do differently in raising our children... we would have made the wrong decisions if that time had not been given to us... more on the topic of raising children with a wellness mindset later!!

God truly had a plan bigger than we could have imagined & it was finally His perfect timing for us to be a family of 3!!



Auntie Cassie, me & baby aka 'lil bit - February 2012 

  
 

but then it came crashing down... again... at our 10 week appointment there was no heartbeat but the midwife accounted that to my tilted uterus {it has a gangsta' lean lol} it never even crossed my mind that there was a possibility of having another miscarriage, of losing another baby, of having to endure another heartbreak...

by march 16th i was in terrible pain in my belly, i assumed it was gas pains lol...& then the spotting started... but we were almost 12 weeks along... we were almost in the elusive "safety zone"... 12 weeks couldn't come fast enough... we weren't going to lose another baby... i couldn't lose another baby

the next day, st. patrick's day {btw i hate the color green... God has an awesome sense of humor!! more regarding that to come}, i was still very uncomfortable & getting concerned. by mid day the spotting had changed... it was red... bright red... my heart broke into a million pieces! my baby was gone & i immediately felt alone! jason was there with me & was so supportive... but i was so alone... i just wanted my baby...

at 11 weeks 2 days we were in the emergency room & our worst fear was confirmed... the baby had stopped developing around 8 weeks & that was it... my pregnancy was over in the blink of an eye... i had to let go & let God heal my broken heart again. it was january 2009 all over again... i remembered the feeling of emptiness & despair... i remembered the inconsolable crying... i remembered wanting to curl up to my love & never let him go... i remembered it all too well...

but i also remembered what God did!!! i remembered the way He loved me, consoled me, He ministered to my heart through such amazing friends... other women who shared their stories of loss... they encouraged me & i saw Christ in them!! i had been restored before... & i knew God would heal me again!

fast forward to may 2012... we moved that month & God was proving faithful to His promises! I was finding my joy again... the joy i remembered Him giving me in 2009 after our first miscarriage... the joy i remembered from january 26, 2012 when we found out we were expecting... it was the same joy He always provides because our hope & our expectations are in HIM!!!

since may we have been settling into the new apartment & loving it!! for the record, my hatred for the color green has turned into an OBSESSIVE love of all things green {& not on purpose, believe me... i hated green!!}we now have: a green car, a ridiculous amount of green clothes {pants, 4 shirts, scarves blah, blah, blah}, a green accented kitchen, a bedroom who's accent color is- you guessed it- GREEN!! ... i seriously could go on and on... my love for green has taken me by storm...

need i remind you that we sent our baby to heaven to be with Jesus on st. patrick's day :) God sure does have an amazing sense of humor!!

Lord, since i couldn't tell my babies about you, will you please tell them about me!

mama and daddy love you lil bits!! see you both when we get there :)

December 2012 - notice the green shirt :) lol

xoxo,
Jeni

new year, fresh view...

hey party people!!! happy twenty-thirteen :) i'm telling you this is our year!! i just know already that is is gonna be one for the books! not only will i be the big 3-0 (ahhh!!!) ... which means my mama will be the big 5-0 AHHH!! lol... but i see God working in amazing ways already :) His hand is on us and our family in such an amazing way...

as far as moving towards mommy-hood, it is still a work in progress :p lol... i told jason the other day that i will be preggo before i'm thirty... he said "that's this year, we better get to it" lol... i just love him :) we all know it hasn't been that easy for us but i love his enthusiasm :) having a positive attitude will only make the process easier... stressing out about our fertility will only make things worse and i am not willing to put the extra stress on my marriage... God and our relationship will be the foundation of our future family so they will always come first :)

so... back into the blogging swing of things :) i hope! lol

xoxo,
Jeni

p.s. raiders suck!! go chargers!! bye bye norv & aj :)

reminder of God's timing...

read another blog today about infertility and was inspired by the writers words. she struggled for years with infertility and multiple (meaning 6!!!) miscarriages... there are no words! she has since has a successful full term pregnancy and was thinking back to the time after her first loss. the specialist said in an email that he was hopeful that her long term prognosis was good... she found hope in his words and went back to the email after each and every loss. as time went on she thought, "what about this is good? how 'longterm' was he talking??"...

and eventually God showed up right on time, just like he does every time! she has been blessed with an amazing love bug... she had lost sight of the long term... but now sees that the prognosis was not just good, it was AMAZING!!

Lord, help me not to lose sight of your plan! help me to see the long term :) because i know it will be AMAZING!!!

xoxo,
Jeni

one step at a time...

Mark 10:13-16

 ¹³ People were bringing little children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them, but the disciples rebuked them. ¹⁴ When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. ¹⁵ Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.” ¹⁶ And he took the children in his arms, placed his hands on them and blessed them.

so... i guess it's time to move forward... one step at a time :( but i have to admit i'm not sure if i'm done feeling bad for myself lol that sounds so self centered and totally against what i know but i can't help it! i will help me a lot once we have the final blood results back that confirm the pregnancy being completely over and no more pregnancy hormones are present... oh and once my stupid arm finally heals-the ER nurse blew my vein trying to put in an IV, i have a HUGE bruise on my arm the size of my hand and two blood clots in my arm ugh... i can't straighten or fully bend my arm... sleeping is completely out of the question!! i have no idea what to do with this thing lol!! knowing why it's there is like a constant reminder of the fact that our baby is gone :( in the arms of Jesus i know, but i wish we could have seen their precious face sooner than later... mommy and daddy will see you in heaven lil bit :) i know we can not turn our backs on God because i can not bear the thought of being separated from Jesus and not seeing our babies someday!!

i trust that God has an amazing plan for our lives and already used this baby's life for a very special purpose! our trust in Him is growing daily! the joy that my pregnancy brought was more than i could have ever imagined! the short 11 weeks that baby was with us was such a blessing... i can't find words that have enough meaning... blessed by heaven (even though they said the development stopped at 8 weeks, i still count every day that lil bit was with us)

you never imagine having to go through something like a miscarriage... let alone twice!! the pain seems unbearable, but the Holy Spirit continually reminds me that these wounds will heal and that what the devil meant for evil, God will use this for His GLORY!!! i have been so uplifted by the kind thoughts and messages from all of our family and friends! i felt horrible having to tell the bad news! i know we are not alone in our pain over the loss of our baby... you all have hurt with us and been so amazing and supportive!!

we will grow and learn from this season... we will move forward in courage and faith... we will try again and in His time we will be blessed again with a precious baby... but only by His grace!!

I think that's my heartbeat??!!

So yesterday was our first appointment for baby :) We were sooo excited!! Jason could barely eat his lunch... I almost had to eat it for him :) can't let good pho go to waste!! After an entire novel of paperwork -uhg!!- we got things under way!

Lots of health history questions... blah...blah...blah... my due date was moved from 10/4 to 10/5... blah...blah...
and finally the moment we were waiting for; little bit's heartbeat!! As the midwife is rubbing cold goo on my belly she stops... its a heartbeat OMG!!! ...wait, "I think that sounds like my heartbeat, it sounds like what I feel in my chest right now!" My heart was beating sooo fast with excitement the midwife thought it was the baby!! So she continues to search and then reminds me, "Well because of your tilted uterus the baby is probably too far back for us to hear, so no need to be concerned. We will check you again next week."

WHAT??!!?? Tilted uterus?? So my uterus is so cool it has a gangsta' lean?? lol The midwife said it doesn't have any complications and is not abnormal... I guess little bit is tucked way deep in there all safe and sound :)

So now the waiting begins... again! Hopefully we will hear a little thump thump next Tuesday :)

let's do this!!

so i figure since baby is on the way i need to document this AMAZING experience... what a better way than to blog! so here we go :)

officially 10 full weeks today and can not wait until our appointment next week!! hearing 'lil bit's (short for little baby it lol) heart beat is going to be one of the best moments in our lives for sure!

now back to work :)