but his time was different & i really knew i was gonna be a mama :)
but the stick didn't lie!! we were definitely pregnant! it had been exactly 3 years since our first loss in january 2009... a very long, challenging, painful, heart breaking, 3 years! but we learned so much about ourselves, each other, & things we will do differently in raising our children... we would have made the wrong decisions if that time had not been given to us... more on the topic of raising children with a wellness mindset later!!
God truly had a plan bigger than we could have imagined & it was finally His perfect timing for us to be a family of 3!!
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| Auntie Cassie, me & baby aka 'lil bit - February 2012 |
but then it came crashing down... again... at our 10 week appointment there was no heartbeat but the midwife accounted that to my tilted uterus {it has a gangsta' lean lol} it never even crossed my mind that there was a possibility of having another miscarriage, of losing another baby, of having to endure another heartbreak...
by march 16th i was in terrible pain in my belly, i assumed it was gas pains lol...& then the spotting started... but we were almost 12 weeks along... we were almost in the elusive "safety zone"... 12 weeks couldn't come fast enough... we weren't going to lose another baby... i couldn't lose another baby
the next day, st. patrick's day {btw i hate the color green... God has an awesome sense of humor!! more regarding that to come}, i was still very uncomfortable & getting concerned. by mid day the spotting had changed... it was red... bright red... my heart broke into a million pieces! my baby was gone & i immediately felt alone! jason was there with me & was so supportive... but i was so alone... i just wanted my baby...
at 11 weeks 2 days we were in the emergency room & our worst fear was confirmed... the baby had stopped developing around 8 weeks & that was it... my pregnancy was over in the blink of an eye... i had to let go & let God heal my broken heart again. it was january 2009 all over again... i remembered the feeling of emptiness & despair... i remembered the inconsolable crying... i remembered wanting to curl up to my love & never let him go... i remembered it all too well...
but i also remembered what God did!!! i remembered the way He loved me, consoled me, He ministered to my heart through such amazing friends... other women who shared their stories of loss... they encouraged me & i saw Christ in them!! i had been restored before... & i knew God would heal me again!
fast forward to may 2012... we moved that month & God was proving faithful to His promises! I was finding my joy again... the joy i remembered Him giving me in 2009 after our first miscarriage... the joy i remembered from january 26, 2012 when we found out we were expecting... it was the same joy He always provides because our hope & our expectations are in HIM!!!
since may we have been settling into the new apartment & loving it!! for the record, my hatred for the color green has turned into an OBSESSIVE love of all things green {& not on purpose, believe me... i hated green!!}we now have: a green car, a ridiculous amount of green clothes {pants, 4 shirts, scarves blah, blah, blah}, a green accented kitchen, a bedroom who's accent color is- you guessed it- GREEN!! ... i seriously could go on and on... my love for green has taken me by storm...
need i remind you that we sent our baby to heaven to be with Jesus on st. patrick's day :) God sure does have an amazing sense of humor!!
Lord, since i couldn't tell my babies about you, will you please tell them about me!
mama and daddy love you lil bits!! see you both when we get there :)
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| December 2012 - notice the green shirt :) lol |
Jeni
